Bartender Schmartender: Just Call Me a Life Coach.

They Say It’s Your Birthday!

Turning twenty-one is a right of passage in America, marked by many glorious firsts.  There’s the first time you don’t have to ask your big brother/older friend/random homeless person to buy you beer at the 7-11.  It’s the first time that you go out to dinner with your parents and order a mega-rita just because you can.  Finally, it’s the first time you can legally (because let’s face it, your brother’s ID can only get you in to the creepy bar down the street) go into a well-respected drinking establishment and get so drunk that you vomit all over yourself, the bar, and the erstwhile potted plant.During my tenure at a local campus dive/sports bar, I’ve seen more than my fair share of twenty-first birthdays. I try to share my wit and wisdom with the ones who are brave enough to sidle up to the bar and order drinks.  But – and gentlemen, I’m talking to you here – I have a few tips and tricks to help make your birthday experience as fantastically black out drunk as possible. Trust me.  I know what I’m doing.

First off, never walk confidently up to me wearing some sort of polo shirt/affliction tee/sports jersey, loudly proclaim your newfound status as a legal adult in front of all your bros and then tell me you want a Buttery Nipple for free.  I will (and have) laugh in your face and ask you to please order something a sixteen year old girl wouldn’t drink.  Man up.  There’s all manner of shooters and shots that I am more than willing to make and most of them, I’m willing to buy you your first round, because I am a nice girl.  I’m a big fan of Mind Erasers, Red Headed Sluts, Soco and Lime, pretty much anything I can make that doesn’t make you look like a giant vagina while drinking it.

Secondly, please don’t order something just because you heard it in a rap song.  I work in a bar on the cusp of Oregon Hill.  We have a pretty extensive liquor selection.  However, when you walk up to me and ask for a Courvoisier and Diet Coke, you look like an idiot.  The same goes for anything with Hypnotiq.  If you’re hellbent on drinking a Caribou Lou on your big day, I can definitely point you in the direction of a bar that can serve your needs.

Lastly, your friends are going to want to see you vomit by the end of the night.  It’s usually not pretty and you’re going to wish you died when you wake up in the morning.  There are a couple ways you can prevent this.  Eat something!  Celebrating on an empty stomach is a terrible idea.  Also, try to drink some water while you’re downing those shots.  It’ll combat all that dehydration you’re bringing on yourself.  Finally, if your friends challenge you to more than one Blue Motorcycle Race in one night, they are not your friends.